Well, I needed somewhere to write..err..blog. I know that nobody will really read this besides myself, but I can't trust a physical diary, shiny cover and all, to not be found and expose my secrets shamelessly. Now, I have to get this off of my mind. I will not make it poetic, flowery, or easy to read. It will be a rambling of sorts that I will most likely read back later and be pained by. Okay, here I go.

You know when you can't stop thinking about someone? It seems like when you are trying to forget someone the most you end of thinking about them constantly. Like an unruly weed that keeps popping up, you try to remove this person from your mind; you try everything until finally you admit that you're crazy. Well, I'm there; I'm in a personal hell of being reminded of him. I hate when things that I cherish are ruined for me because of someone. Like, when I can't listen to a song without thinking of another person and just enjoying the sound. Or, I can't watch a t.v. show without thinking about the inside jokes we had made...then I laugh...and remember...and turn off the t.v.

Well, I'm having those moments...those sick thoughts that connect he and I together and I want to silence them and erase everything from my mind. Like, a Facebook tag on a picture that you don't want to be seen or press ctrl+alt+delete and end him now from entering my mind.

I know that a huge part of me is wishing that I had never met him; that fate had not taken us both and brought us together. It's been 5 months. Of course I developed feelings for him...we talked for hours every night...he fascinated me. I have never met anybody so incredibly different from me; it was intriguing. Apparently, though, I'm the girl that gets burned again and again and yet plays with fire. I'm not satisfied with the nice guys that are nice to me and love me for everything that I am; I have to be drawn to the guys that I will never have and will never love me in return. Why do I put myself through this time and time again? I know I'm sensitive. I know damn well going into the situation what the consequences will be if I let myself get too close to him. The thing is, he never loved me. If he did, he never told me. He made it clear that we would never work. Yet, he did things that showed me that he cared in his own, strange way. While I burst with love and exclaim to him everything that I adore and admire in him..he does not compliment back. He does other things... I am just a ball of emotion and he is a rock that will not be moved. I fought though; I gave my whole heart to a person that didn't give a shit about me because I believed in the possible. I feel in love with the vain, someone that admitted that they did not believe that they could love anybody but themselves. A person that admitted that they were better off alone and did not agree with the concept of marriage. A man that told me that I was foolish and giddy with love, obsessed with it even. Why even try? It was the emotional equivalent of slitting my wrists. Never have I gone into a relationship so blindly. Times before I have struggled and failed, but this guy has truly set a new record with his ignorance of my feelings and refusal of any sort of affection. I did not come across strongly, but prevailed against the toughest person that I have met emotionally.
I have so many thoughts..a never-ending exploding of confessions that would, no doubt, end up being repetitive. So, why bother, right? I can just expand later...let it all go like a balloon and watch it float up, up, and away.

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Alanis Morrisette

I don't know if anybody reads this anymore...I basically spazzed out over David Cook when I originally was using this livejournal- too much, even. It was unhealthy. So, I decided to start over.

So, here I am, at college. I'm supposed to be studying for two tests and preparing for a speech and yadda yadda yadda. But, really? I don't care. Every time I open up a textbook I fall asleep. Literally. Particularly with Sociology, the most pointless course ever. It might be better if an 80-year-old man wasn't teaching it.

I watched Howl's Moving Castle again yesterday- for the third time, which must mean I like it, since I usually can barely sit through a movie. I always have to be doing something, you know? I feel like I'm constantly in a rush to do something, even though I'm not really a busy person. At all.

But, seriously, Howl's Moving Castle is one of the best movies EVER. I actually rented it from the library- which I thought was pretty cool. They have all sorts of classics and foreign films there, but I'm afraid of the guy that works in the films section...he creeps me out. I haven't had a late fine though! Which is amazing, considering I can't go to some libraries because I'm pretty sure I'll be arrested by the Library Police for hoarding books on my shelves for 2 years. Let's just say that the amount of money I have to pay for fines would be enough to actually buy the books I rented. Whatever. I'll just try to keep a clean slate for now because, as a college student, money is very precious.

Well, that's all I'm going to post for now. I've got to motivate myself to study! This should take awhile...;)

Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Silence is good enough for me